


Work

by BasketCase182



Series: My long ass depressing ryden au [1]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M, Ryden, ryden au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-12 14:14:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17469137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BasketCase182/pseuds/BasketCase182
Summary: Ryan wants things to work but they just don’t.Prequel to a series I’m starting.





	Work

All his life, things never worked out for Ryan.  
Even though he couldn’t remember his parent’s process of divorce, he wished it had never happened. He felt out of place in his mom’s house with this stranger he was expected to call dad. Ryan felt like he was betraying his real dad, despite them not getting along. Ryan couldn’t help the guilt he felt when he realized he enjoyed this complete stranger’s presence more than his own father’s. He never told anyone about this. Ryan asked his mom, maybe when he was 7, why her and dad weren’t married together like his friends’ parents. His mom smiled softly and explained that “sometimes, things just don’t work. There’s nothing more you can do about it. Your father and I did our best and it just wasn’t meant to be.”  
Ryan nodded his head absent mindedly. 

When Ryan was around twelve, his friends were all talking about girls. Apparently Jake had kissed Leslie Smith, an eight grader, behind the bleachers before 7th period and Spencer was calling bullshit.  
This was one of the first times Ryan felt out of place with his friends. Usually he only felt weird at home. But now he felt weird in the place he came to escape his oddities, and this was only the beginning. 

“You never kissed her. She’s like..almost fourteen. You’re like..seven.” 

Jake huffed. “Fuck you Spencer. I did kiss her!”

“Prove it. Do it again.” 

Everyone went “oooooo” except Ryan, who felt like a foreigner. 

Jake puffed his chest out. “Fine! I will!”  
And he marched away with the group in tow at a safe distance. 

Leslie Smith was the cutest girl in the 8th grade. All the guys liked her, kind of. Ryan thought he liked her. He really didn’t.  
They watched on with slight smirks as their friend walked up, said something inaudible, and got slapped in the face. 

Jake came back with his tail between his legs.  
Spencer laughed. “Didn’t work out then?”  
Ryan wasn’t sure if this would work out. 

When Ryan was 15, he realized he was gay. He wasn’t sure where to go from here. 

All the thoughts raced around his battered mind, never giving the boy a break. 

When Ryan was 16, he came out to his dad. He had already been out to his mom and the stranger for a few months and felt like he was cheating his dad. 

“Dad, I have something to tell you.”

His dad looked away from the tv, hand clutching a beer. “Go on.”

“I-I’m gay.” 

His dad was silent for awhile, before sighing and rubbing his temple with his free hand. “I guess sometimes things don’t work out the way you’d want them to.” 

 

It was only when Ryan was 18 that he really began noticing his father’s heavy drinking problem. He’d come to visit his dad from university and see bottle after bottle skewed across the floor. Mr. Ross neglected his own basic needs in favor of the drink. 

Ryan supposed his father getting sober wasn’t going to work out anyways. 

They sat in the hospital some time later. Both knew they didn’t have much time left together. 

“Son, I’m sorry. Ryan, look at me.”

Ryan kept his eyes trained on his watch. “Dad, its fine. We both knew nothing works out for anyone in this world.”

Though Ryan couldn’t see it, his father raised an eyebrow at him. “What gave you that impression?”

“Sometimes things don’t work out. Most times, actually. You tried your best, I tried my best. It’s whatever. It didn’t work. Who cares? There’s no point in caring now because it just didn’t work.” 

“Ryan, I told you to look at me. Do what your dad says.”  
Ryan wanted to scream and cry and yell that he wasn’t his dad and he never was, but he didn’t. He looked up.  
His dad wanted to smile and tell him it’d be ok and everything would work out but they didn’t have that father-son special relationship where they could comfort each other. They had trouble expressing themselves and in the end it was bound to kill one of them. So no, Mr. Ross didn’t smile. He couldn’t lie to Ryan anymore.  
“You’re right, things don’t work out sometimes and you can only try your best. But I didn’t try my best. Ok? I didn’t try at all and I admit that. I never thought it would hurt you, or get this bad. So I just didn’t try to stop myself. And I know I haven’t been the most supportive parent,” Ryan stiffened slightly. “But I want you to find yourself a nice boy. Someone who will try. Someone who will treat you much better than I did. You deserve to be happy, ok? And you’ve gotta try too. You can’t turn out like me. Put your best foot forward, ok?” 

Ryan said nothing for a long time. He decided it was getting late, so he grabbed his coat. Before he left the bland hospital room, he looked his dad in the eye and in a calm voice said, “For whatever its worth to you, I still love you. I fucking wish I didn’t but I do because you’re my dad.”

Mr. Ross said nothing.

When Ryan was 20, he got a call. His father had passed away. He knew it wouldn’t work out. Nothing does and this is further proof. 

 

—

 

To Ryan, they were the clock that stopped ticking long ago. Thirty now, three years late to the party. He missed the boat just the same as he’d missed his chance. They didn’t work out. They couldn’t have. Nothing ever does. 

They were the book with torn pages, angrily ripped from their spine and thrown around the library floor. They were the tv that only showed static, the doll that lost its head, the coat with missing buttons. 

Ryan’s irreplaceable had gone, and as per usual, Ryan shrugged his shoulders as though he wasn’t a violent mess on the inside. It just didn’t work out. Brendon had been gone an hour now, but Ryan’s body hadn’t left it’s spot. 

They were the clock that stopped ticking long ago, yet Ryan kept checking the time.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi so this was short but its kinda just a prequel type thing to a ryden series I’m starting. For once i have some kind of direction for the story but don’t bet your money on anything. Lol bye gremlins thanks for reading


End file.
